Colorado Technical University

How does my cover letter sound, any corrections please?

Do I need to change anything, or how I phrases my sentences...? --------------------------------------... [My Name] [Street Address] [City, ST ZIP Code] September, 05 2008 Human Resources, Your advertisement for an entry-level position caught my attention as I prepare to begin my career as a recent graduate from State University. Your corporation is one of the leaders in the engineering field, and I am interested in being employed by a company with your background. My academic credentials and hands-on experience gained through the educational program gives me a firm foundation in electrical and computer engineering industry. I have also applied classroom lessons into innovative and successful school projects. My personal attributes include leadership and sound judgment as well as analytical, creativity and troubleshooting skills. I interact productively with people from diverse background. Thank you for taking your time to review my resume. I would welcome the chance to discuss how my education, practical skills, and background would qualify me to be a member your Company. Please contact me at 000-000-0000 or myname@email.com to set up a time for an interview. I look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely, MY NAME Attachment Resume --------------------------------------... Thank you so much guys!

Public Comments

1. I like it. Want a job?
2. Second to last paragraph add "of" ...qualify me to be a member of your Company."
3. sounds like a bum lick
4. Don't address as human resources...change it "To Whom It May Concern" if you don't have a name. Don't list yourself as a recent graduate. You want them to get to your resume and not throw you away as inexperienced right off the bat. Take out "as I prepare to begin my career as a recent graduate from State University" and rewrite the second paragraph. ---- My academic credentials as a graduate of State University and hands-on experience gives me a firm foundation in electrical and computer engineering industry. ---- Then your last paragraph is too straight up like they are interested in you. ---- If you are interested in getting to know how I can be the perfect fit to your company, please contact me at 000-000-0000 or myname@email.com. I look forward to hearing from you. -----
5. "Your advertisement for an entry-level position caught my attention as I prepare to begin my career as a recent graduate from State University." doesn't make sense. Try rearranging it- I am a recent graduate...and your advertisement caught my attention.... "My academic credentials and hands-on experience gained through the educational program GIVE (not gives)..." you have a compound subject I would use that 3rd paragraph to explain how those skills could be incorporated into the position. nice job.