Colorado Technical University

Can someone proof read my personal statement before I hit the send button on my college application?

While I was a high school student, I could not decide exactly what I wanted as a career. Music was all I cared about and as such that’s what I thought I was going to do with my life; I didn’t know what exactly but I knew it would involve music. My friends in high school weren’t much different from me, they, too, were undecided. My parents divorced while I was in high school and my mom moved us into the suburbs. It was my senior year and I was the new kid in school. I don't think there is anything worse than enrolling in a new school the year before you graduate. This wasn’t the first time I had moved to a different town and a different school so I knew what to expect. The problem this time was that it was my last year of high school and my fellow students had formed cliques and groups they belonged to. I did not know how I would be accepted. Luckily, being the extrovert I am, it wasn’t really difficult to make friends. Getting to know my new friends, and talking to some of the other students about their plans after high school, it got me thinking about my future. I soon realized that I really had no plan after college. Music just wasn’t a strong enough pull, I wasn't sure that it was really what I wanted to do. I was confused and frustrated. I realized that my grades weren’t as good as they could have been and that I could have done much better but I was just so focused on everything other than school. I attended community college after graduating but still didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. It was not until I took some business courses that I realized that I actually enjoyed those classes. I’ve always enjoyed math and found that my favorite class was accounting. I really understand it and I especially enjoy it because of the challenge. Once I realized what I wanted to do with my life, I got my act together and I began working hard to earn good grades. Now I am extremely focused on getting my accounting degree and getting my career started after I graduate from the University of Illinois. Many of my fellow classmates and friends have lists of achievements that they have received over the years but unfortunately my list pales in comparison. I hope to fill that list in the coming years by getting accepted in to the college of business administration at the University of Illinois.

Public Comments

1. Its really good. But in a personal statement your supposed to tell about ur qualities and what your good at. You basically took the first half( and a little more...: p) on telling the reader about your family and the way that you were interested in music. You should just sum that up in less than 4 5 lines. Then you should move on and tell about your social work, what u like ( tell about math and accounting) etc. This will make ur personal statement much more stronger. Even better, put yourself in the readers shoes and imagine youve got a 100 statements and one of them is yours. What would u think? Your supposed to brag about yourself, thats what personal statements are ALL about ie to IMPRESS the reader. Are you doing that? := D
2. - In the sentence "My friends in high school weren't much different from me..." you want to replace that first comma with something else -- I suggest a semicolon or a hyphen. - You need to get to your point sooner. I read through most of the first section expecting this to be part of an application for music school, so I was rather surprised when I got to the part about business and accounting and discovered that I was mistaken. - Take out the reference to how your record and achievements aren't as good as your friends' and classmates' records and achievements. The school doesn't know your friends and has no idea what they've done, so there's no way for them to compare. But the most important point is that you're putting yourself down, which is the LAST thing you want to do in an essay like this. You need to make the case for why this school should accept you, or at the very least wait-list you (but you're aiming for acceptance, so keep your eye on that prize). - It seems from this that high school isn't as important to your decision as your time in community college, so you can probably talk less about high school. Again, you're trying to make the case for getting accepted to this school. It's good that you talk about overcoming obstacles and how you turned your grades around once you decided what you wanted to do, but the way this is structured right now doesn't tell me why I should care or why a lot of the things you mention are all that relevant. So reorganize it in such a way that it forces me to care and makes me see how every single bit of information you're given me is relevant to you wanting to come to this college. You don't have to take it all out, but remember what I said about getting to your point sooner -- a bit of reorganization should solve these problems. It's hard for me to give you any other advice without knowing exactly what the University of Illinois wants in an admissions essay, so I hope this helps at least a little. good luck!
3. If you wish to be a business administrator, do not be apologetic or humble. To progress in business requires determination and self assurance. These are qualities that need to be evident and spoken. A low level of knowledge on the subject itself would be expected by an applicant, but the qualities that see you through adversity cannot be taught, only driven by your own will (those qualities are what the college would be looking for in the wording of your application). I suggest that you remove the sentimental indecisive unbusinesslike parts of your text. For your last paragraph, PERHAPS: I am determined to expand on my achievements and I need further education to assist my knowledge and development; furthering my ability to make a worthwhile contribution to both myself and my future employers. To do this I need and request that my application be accepted by the University of Illinois' College of Business Administration.
4. This definitely needs clearly split paragraphs, so I split into 4 with double spaces, which you may or may not like. If you do not wish to use double spacing, indent the 1st line of each by 5 spaces. (Egad, maybe you did indent. I see this animal does not allow indenting.) In 1st par, I suggest making 2 sentences: "...different from me. They, too, were..." I inserted a comma, par. 2 between "school" and "so." Delete “, it” after "high school" in par 2; I suggest insertion of “Moreover,” or “In addition,”at carat mark (^) in par. 2 between "frustrated." and "I realized" just because it makes smoother reading. First sentence, last paragraph: A person doesn’t exactly receive achievements (they are his, no one gave them to him). He does receive awards or honors FOR his achievements. Hmmm. You might get around this by saying “...friends have long lists of achievements. Unfortunately...” Or maybe you can fix better. Consider a new paragraph at /// marks in par. 4 – you move from talking about making friends to talking about the future. I leave it to you. Rule of thumb: Short paragraphs are easier to read. Break where the subject you are talking about changes. Good job!! Really! Hope you get in. Lotsa luck. Hope this helps a wee bit. See copy below: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- While I was a high school student, I could not decide exactly what I wanted as a career. Music was all I cared about and as such that’s what I thought I was going to do with my life; I didn’t know what exactly but I knew it would involve music. My friends in high school weren’t much different from me, they, too, were undecided. My parents divorced while I was in high school and my mom moved us into the suburbs. It was my senior year and I was the new kid in school. I don't think there is anything worse than enrolling in a new school the year before you graduate. This wasn’t the first time I had moved to a different town and a different school, so I knew what to expect. The problem this time was that it was my last year of high school and my fellow students had formed cliques and groups they belonged to. I did not know how I would be accepted. Luckily, being the extrovert I am, it wasn’t really difficult to make friends. /// Getting to know my new friends, and talking to some of the other students about their plans after high school, it got me thinking about my future. I soon realized that I really had no plan after college. Music just wasn’t a strong enough pull, I wasn't sure that it was really what I wanted to do. I was confused and frustrated. ^ I realized that my grades weren’t as good as they could have been and that I could have done much better but I was just so focused on everything other than school. I attended community college after graduating but still didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. It was not until I took some business courses that I realized that I actually enjoyed those classes. I’ve always enjoyed math and found that my favorite class was accounting. I really understand it and I especially enjoy it because of the challenge. Once I realized what I wanted to do with my life, I got my act together and I began working hard to earn good grades. Now I am extremely focused on getting my accounting degree and getting my career started after I graduate from the University of Illinois. Many of my fellow classmates and friends have lists of achievements that they have received over the years but unfortunately my list pales in comparison. I hope to fill that list in the coming years by getting accepted in to the college of business administration at the University of Illinois.