Colorado Technical University

My life is REALLY going nowhere... not to mention meaningless... Please help?

Life is going nowhere and is completely boring. All the things I loved don't bring me satisfaction/happiness anymore. Reading, drawing, sewing, collecting, work, etc. just leaves me empty; trying to motivate myself doesn't work as I get only halfway through and as it goes nowhere, I give up. I have tried setting goals, trying new activities but to no avail. Even when I complete a goal, nothing (Like when I did a fashion show last year and was the only designer to get a standing ovation, I didn`t feel anything). Daily activities/hobbies have become “motions” to go through. My psychologist and I have gotten nowhere on these feelings and I want to end it. I have friends but have become "bored" of them yet like them at the same time. Same for all the people in my life. Hanging out with different social groups doesn’t work. I am bored with myself. Collecting books doesn’t give joy. So I now collect expensive, beautiful lingerie sets. I have many and I don’t even intend to wear them. I just buy them mechanically. Keeping busy, ironically, makes me more restless. I am taking a year off before university and I don’t want to go anymore. It’s not because I have decided not to pursue a postsecondary education point blank; it`s pointless to go if life is meaningless. These feelings started in gr.9 and are at their worst, now that I am 18, especially last month as this apathy/boredom has sunk in. I find it hard to resist the urge to throw myself in front of cars when I cross the street, drown myself when I bathe, and the kitchen knives keep calling. On two occasions these urges were so strong that A) I wanted so bad to swallow that bottle of Advil staring right at me from the cupboard and B) I wandered outside, crying in the snow, because I wanted so badly to throw myself in front of the cars at night. Religion doesn’t help. Reading about evolution has crushed my belief; spirituality means nothing. I still can`t figure out the meaning of life. And no, don`t tell me life has meaning if I give it meaning. Living with my parents makes suicide a no go. I have found some books at the library about suicide methods and how to go about them. I never asked to be born, so don`t tell me either to be grateful for being healthy, non-handicapped, etc. I would turn to booze and drugs, but I do not like alchohol AT ALL. I have tried but can't. Drugs is a whole other story. I DO have a psychologist... it has gone nowhere so far. Exercise and eating healthy used to make me feel good, but negative body image messed that all up and I gave up. I couldn't get thin enough or shaped the way I liked, so pointless.

Public Comments

1. I have had all those same feelings and all I can say is life is a series of ups and downs. Everyone goes through periods like this. Think of it as growth. You are growing out of certain things and you will find other things to be joyful about even it doesn't seem that way now. Try reading a Road Less Traveled. Most people mask the feeling you are having with booze and drugs. You are working your way through them and will be better for it.
2. 1. God IS real, but you will find that out for yourself 2. It is a shame you feel that way. I'm 16 and I know how that feels. 3. Maybe you feel that way for a reason. People will always tell you, "College is VITAL to your future. You won't regret going" No it isn't. Why don't you pursue a career in music? 4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ze5Bktb2jiQ
3. You sound depressed, but at least you're still looking for answers or you wouldn't have posted. 1. Get plenty of sunlight. It provides vitamin D which is necessary to be happy. It is a common cause for depression, particularly in Winter. You mentioned snow, so this is one factor. 2. Get plenty of exercise. Exercising gives oxygen to your body and the brain, and energy to keep on going. If you stay in one spot, at a computer for example, then you are going to be oxygen deprived and you will have no willingness to go anywhere, or do anything physically or mentally. 3. Eat healthy or at least take multivitamins - if you are not getting enough of particular vitamins you will not be as functional as you could be. In general, A gives you alertness, B vitamins give you energy, C give you immunity, D give you life 4. If you're still having issues, see a doctor, if not a psychologist. You can get medication to prevent feelings of despair and can be further referred to a dietician if diet or exercise are contributing factors to the way you are feeling.
4. I know exactly how you feel. I'm the exact same way. One of the only reasons I'm still rooted to this world is to try and help other people with their problems. Maybe this person can help you. His videos are really great. I hope this helps. http://www.youtube.com/user/vagabondsteve
5. They have medication just for you. Call your doctor and make an appointment. This is "Classic Depression". What I don't understand is, do you really think you can do this without medication. If you think that, then your not too smart. No one wants to take it, but it will put you back on course for now. Try it, you might like it.
6. Yes yes, God is real, but he doesn't exists. Religion may help some, but won't really change anything. Hanging around a bunch hypocrites, telling you that you are going to burn in hell by default, really doesn't help. Suicide is also pretty stupid. When you die. That's it. For one thing, no one is going to miss you here at YA! No one even knows you exists. For one thing you are 18, and you still live with your parents. It sounds you are a bit spoiled (no offense) but you need to get off your behind and stop making excuses. The world is so big and there are so many things to do out there, outside your little world. Don't be silly thinking you know everything and there is nothing interesting to do out there. Go, get out and do something for yourself for once. Have fun with life!