Colorado Technical University

Sexless marriage and constant criticism.?

My wife and I have been married for four years. Before marriage, we talked frankly about all of the things that we needed (beyond love) in order to be happy and satisfied with a permanent union. My needs included frequent, good sex. She agreed whole-heartedly that we'd have the kind of sex we had in the beginning of our relationship once the ring was placed on her finger. We've never had sex more than 10 times in a year since then...only twice last year and about the same pace this year. She also criticizes me at least once every day for various things. I haven't done the dishes the right way. I didn't say something correctly. I shouldn't have smiled in a certain way. Now, I'm no saint. But I am the sole provider for the family. She is an excellent mother who stays at home with our two year old child. I do all of my own laundry, all of my own cooking, I do the majority of the "picking up" around the house, I watch our child after work each night while she relaxes and reads, I take out the trash, I clean up the yard, I make the beds...I'm no deadbeat. I'm also finsihing a doctoral degree at night. Oh...and I split duty at night getting up with our child. This weekend it all came to a head. She was giving me the silent treatment, but for what I didn't know. It turned out that she was mad that I didn't get up early with our child, and instead got up when they both did. Our child was still in bed. So it led to all kinds of other discussions and I tried to explain how tired I was of being denied sex, being constantly criticized, and being made to feel like an unsuccessful husband. Here's what she said... - I have low self esteem and I should not look to her as my source of validation as a man. - I should try to romance her, even though she said I would not get what I need physically (it's not just sex...she'll barely hug or kiss me) because her lack of interest in those things is purely a physical thing with her. - I'm too quick to be defensive and angry. She should be able to feel what she feels and tell me how she's feeling without me getting defensive. (Please keep in mind that I get criticized daily for every small thing.) So my question is this...am I over reacting? Am I really to blame for the problems in our marriage because I'm hurt that she broke her promises for a physical relationship if I'd just marry her? Am I wrong to defend myself against constant criticism when I think it is unwarranted? - Thanks for the great responses. Let me answer some of the questions and issues. She keeps the house a total mess. She rarely dresses up no matter how much I've begged. I do work too damn much. We dated 4 years. Sex had stopped because she didn't think I'd commit. It was great before that. We were married a year before having a child, and there was no sex then and as much criticism. I have tried romance and find it hard to keep trying when I don't get what I need as well.

Public Comments

1. My word - you do more than your share. She is not pulling her weight domestically never mind romantically. You needs to get a "set" and let her know what you expect. Get your self worth in order - she is just taking advantage of you. Let her know that she is taking over the night time child care, all the laundry and some of the cooking starting now. As for the romantic part - let her know that she is a great mom and needs to be a much better wife.
2. I AM IN THE PLAYPEN WITH MILDRED...CRAWL IN WITH US!
3. She sounds extremely stressed, probably cause of motherhood. She probably has depression as well, making her not enjoy the things she use to. Maybe she is tired of routine. There is a lot that may be going on here.
4. your wife sounds like a lazy bi tch, but look at the situation from her point of view. look through her eyes, and see what she sees when she sees you, and what she thinks of the situation, what you can do to fix it. set some boundaries, make some changes. the only person you can change is yourself, and hopefully other people will follow. if she doesn't change also, then i think it might be time to move on. maybe try to see a marriage counselor. from what i've seen, the relationship gets reaally rough when first seeing a marriage counselor, but once you guys both see each other's issues and work it out, it's all smooth from there. for the most part. so good luck.
5. Twice in one year? I would be climbing the walls. Didn't you see the signs BEFORE you two got married? I don't care what she said, and agreed on. Actions speak louder then words. A person can tell you that they will cook dinner every night when you get married, but if you see that she can't turn the stove on BEFORE you get married... ummm that would send up a red flag...
6. no. you are not wrong. she is the wrong one. you sound like a superb husband and any lady would be lucky to have/find a man like you! you do not need to put the blame on yourself , because you are doing more than your share as a partner. you need to tell her like it is, be blunt. sit her down and have a chat with her, again. tell if her she does not change or abide by the "agreement" yall made, then you are out of there. i feel so sorry for you.
7. Definitely sounds like she is going thru some things. You probably know what some of them are. If not look out for them for now on. Body image issues since the baby, maybe she lost a little self worth by staying at home, feeling like shes not as important. Maybe thats why she is anal about the house cuz thatswhat she works hard on all day and she feels like you dont respect that ? Maybe she feels more like the person that fulfills you needs insted of an equal partner? I definitely think maybe ya'll lost some emotional closeness and now she is like why should i fulfill him physically if he doesnt fufill me emotionally. I also thinkg the romancing thingkcouldnt hurt. She may change her mind when she sees the effort. Good luck my friend.
8. I understand both sides of your situation. On the one hand she did TELL you she was willing to give sex even when you were married. (Not like those women who never gave bj's when they weren't married, and the guy marries them...and they still aren't getting bj's yet wonder why) How was it when you weren't married? Was the sex good and often? Also how long were you together before you got married? If it was years of great sex and all of a sudden the marriage made sex come to a hault, there is a serious problem. On the other hand, you guys do have a child now. I've never had a baby, but I do know from what I've been told that it definitely changes your psyche. She may look at herself as a MOM, rather than a hot sex symbol. I just have so many questions here: Does she still take care of herself (do her hair, wear makeup...etc)? A lot of times when couples throw out the "you" terms, they are actually projecting their OWN feelings about themselves into criticizing you. Maybe she is the one who doesn't feel confident and has low self esteem. I know you do work and go to school, but when was the last time you two had a date (without kids)? Do you please yourself on the side? If anything go up to her, apologize (even if you feel you did nothing wrong) and say you feel very disconnected. Sex is very much the glue in any relationship, and you want to nip this in the bud before it gets out of hand. If you can, make a couples' massage appointment and get a baby sitter for the day. Or have your kid sleep over at the in-laws house and take your wife out to dinner. I'm sure if you had great food, great convo, and a great time, she'd be more willing to try with the sex issue. Be sure to compliment her and if she continues to criticize, ignore it, grit your teeth and just take care of the issue. In my own experience, when my guy has done something a little special for me I WILL remember it later on and be able to let the little things go easier - or even do something special for him, like offer up a massage or cook a nice dinner. It's give and take. *edit: I think you really need to get to the root of the problem. Tell her that sex is important in any relationship and you (as a man) have been extremely patient and giving it seems. Not to mention sex makes you re-connect whether you know it or not. I notice my guy and I both get pretty irritated if we don't have sex, its the glue for any relationship and you need to get back on track with this. Try talking to her and if she doesn't seem to listen, make sure she knows you're at your limit. If things get better you just might explode.