Colorado Technical University

Can u please check if this text is correct?? Only UK native speakers!! 10 points!?

Dear Sir or Madam: I am writing to you in the hope of gaining a place for a bachelor degree in Psychology for the year 2012-2013. Even though the place is aimed to doctoral studies, I consider that doing a university course in your university would be really useful for my future career as a psychologist, given that one of the main research fields in the University of Surrey is social psychology, specifically environmental psychology. In this manner, because of the fact that environmental psychology is one of the branches that I am more interested in, it would be easier for me to be admitted to a postgraduate study in this field of psychology, given the foundation knowledge that I would have, thank the University of Surrey. Likewise, it would provide me with such beneficial skills that would help me to pass the master with satisfactory. Moreover, the huge number of projects and researches carried out by the Faculty of Psychology, such as RESOLVE, investigations about people’s social milieu… would give me the opportunity to participate as a volunteer, through the Research Participation System, introducing me to scientific research in psychology, as well as to environmental psychology studies. Finally, with the support of my Erasmus tutor, Jordi Pich, who knows one of the academic staff, David Uzzell, professor of Environmental Psychology, my stay in the campus would be more comfortable. For these reasons, I think that, though being for doctoral studies, I could be a good candidate for the place and I hope you take my application into consideration when awarding the place. Yours faithfully, Laurence if I have written this letter is because my tutor has told that I have to do this... so don't say it will make me look ridicolous, I haven't asked you for your opinion, I've just asked you to correct the text. Thank you anyway...

Public Comments

1. looks good mate ;)
2. change the i could be to i am a good candidate...show confidence ;)
3. Excellent! Aren't you a native speaking Englishman? You speak better English than a large majority of modern English speakers. They use neanderthal words like 'innit'. They seldom, if ever, use the terms you are using! Overall, well done! And I really do wish you all the best at gaining your Bachelor degree in Psychology, it is a truly interesting subject!
4. I would have a number of recommendations for you, but I'm not from the UK.
5. Dear Sir or Madam: I am writing to you in the hope of gaining a place for a bachelor degree in Psychology for the year 2012-2013. Even though the place is aimed to doctoral studies, I consider that doing a course in your university would be really useful for my future career as a psychologist, given that one of the main research fields in the University of Surrey is social psychology, specifically environmental psychology. In this manner, because of the fact that environmental psychology is one of the branches that I am more interested in, it would be easier for me to be admitted to a postgraduate study in this field of psychology, given the foundation knowledge that I would have, thank the University of Surrey. Likewise, it would provide me with such beneficial skills that would help me to pass the master with satisfactory. Moreover, the huge number of projects and researches carried out by the Faculty of Psychology, such as resolve, investigations about people’s social milieu would give me the opportunity to participate as a volunteer, through the Research Participation System, introducing me to scientific research in psychology, as well as to environmental psychology studies. Finally, with the support of my Erasmus tutor, Jordi Pich, who knows one of the academic staff, David Uzzell, professor of Environmental Psychology, my stay in the campus would be more comfortable. For these reasons, I will be a good candidate for this course and I hope you take my application into consideration when awarding the place. Thank you. Yours faithfully,
6. (1) "Dear Sir or Madam" Why can you not be bothered to find out the name of the person you are writing to, and so know whether they rank as "sir" or "madam"?: (2) " I am writing to you in the hope of gaining a place for a bachelor degree in Psychology for the year 2012-2013" Better: "I am applying to study for a bachelor's degree in Psychology, commencing in the academic year 2012/2013.. (3) Leave all this out about wanting to get a doctoral place. If the university is offering a doctoral place, that is what that particular place is reserved for. To expect them to accept someone who has not even attained a first degree is to make yourself look, frankly, ridiculous, and to go into detail as to why they should do so to further your own personal ambitions, is such circumstances, just impertinent. And what has the fact that your Erasmus tutor is acquainted with (not "knows", that is just too informal) Professor Uzzeli to do with making your stay "more comfortable"? Simply offer Pich's name as a reference and add in parentheses, if you must, that he is an acquaintance of Professor Uzzelli, but it would be far better it that were mentioned later by Dr. Pich (should they choose to take up the reference). . (4) Why not simply write and ask for an application form to study an undergraduate course in psychology, see what is required by the University of Surrey for such a course, and take it from there? (5) I think the other answerers are offering misleading encouragement. It is not a matter of how well you express yourself, but the logic of your request and the reaction it will produce..